Avoid Hangovers - Stay Drunk

Some memorable moments/things of 2011:

1.Betcheslovethissite.com. If you think you are too smart to read this, then you're just stupid.
2. Bradley Cooper became hella hotter.
3. People in the last few months who have migrated from BBM to the iPhone have increased the volume of air that resides in their a-holes.
4. Instagram became quite the trend. People have found their inner selves in the art world. 
5. Dsquared2 is clearly on cocaine due to their high heeled ice skates. Great for your bunions.
7. Sure, I liked the song "Someone Like You" by Adele for about 3 and half days...but then America took this song way too far. I still hear this song incessantly, like on three radio stations at the same time and it gives me the urge throw hot rocks at myself.
6. Previous hipsters, new hipsters, and fake hipsters who think they are cool... have all come together to make hipster fashion more socially acceptable, yet big plaid checkered button downs are still ridiculously ugly.
7. The Celine bag continues to rape my salivation glands.
8. Recent commercials for Titanic in 3D? Cut the shit. Lion King in 3D was the equivalent of paying 13 precious bucks for plastic glasses. You can take those 13 bucks and buy yourself a a frozen yogurt from 16 Handles. 
9. Speaking of 16 Handles...no no nevermind. 
10. It was fun preparing/talking about Hurricane Irene, so the owner of Goya canned beans can sleep better at nights now. 

Ok people - prepare your shitty livers for Saturday night and be that drunken mess that you would normally judge and look down upon...hope y'all have a disorderly and rowdy entrance into 2012!

Love Is a Flower

John Lennon may you rest in peace!

Present Value vs. Future Value

Have you ever walked on Park Avenue during the lunch hour?

Have you ever stared at fancy financial analyst people?

Have you ever seen the males waiting on line at Chop't?

I have...and my ladies, it is the birth place of the forbidden fruit of NY.

Totally fascinated by these young a-hole looking males, I decided to have some fun.

One day, I had the idea to take some time out of my extremely important and busy day, mhmm, and I camped outside of the JP Morgan Chase building to people watch, which is one of the finest hobbies in all the land. I stopped this guy and creepily asked if i could photograph him. He agreed, and it did not faze him.

 A 20 something year old wearing a pocket square at 4 pm strutting down Park avenue=trust fund status obsessed douche lord with a nice apartment. None the less, he's super cut, super clean, and wearing Ferragamo shoes.

This senior citizen is probably what the above dude will look like in the future.

Well then, I decided to pipe down with my photography and stop humiliating myself.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

Shoe shopping 

Black friday

Amazing sales that i'm not worthy of enjoying.

Fit or Fat

It's that time of year again, when we use the holidays as an excuse to gorge ourselves on lardy food. Then we cry when we look considerably corpulent and horrid in our new tagged pictures.  So, when that time of day comes when your in that four hour zone when you want to lose weight and you're just bored from snacking on celery sticks and frozen grapes...you can try some of my favorite healthy snacks that will not make you look like a piece of fatty chunky lard. Mind you, that doesn't allow you to have four of each.

My personal favorite. Plop it in the micro and enjoy this 100 calorie muffin top.

Take these english muffins...spray some I Can't Believe it's Not Butter then sprinkle some cinnamon and Splenda and toast it. Magic is real my friends...YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A CINNAMON BUN. $$$. 

TOFU NOODLES. They're pretty nasty, not gonna lie...but the whole bag is 40 calories and it looks like pasta.  So fool yourself, why not.

Put down that pumpkin spice latte, that you forgot to say "nonfat" when ordering and try this flavorful pack of chemical infested hot chocolate mix instead. 

FOOLED YOU! Sorry, its just so mouthwateringly good. 

     

                        Consider this ice cream instead. Your hate handles may turn in to less hated handles.

Snacks that I think are stupid:

1. Almonds, ya I said it. Four of them turns into 15 and then 15 turns in 47 and you think you've only had, say about 12 almonds. Little suckers. 

2. 100 calorie packs. Six Oreo flavored crackers? Its just a tease.

3. Luna bars. Folic acid shmolic acid. This shits a scam.

Scum of the Earth

Gwyneth Paltrow.
She disgusts me.
Why? Because she's married to my love, my knight in shining armor, my beloved Chris Martin. All political drama aside, when I touched my Chris's sweaty hand in 2007 on a beautiful spring morning...I just knew it. It was love at first touch. I knew we were soul mates, destined lovers...that day I found out he was my other half, we completed each other, and he knew it too.  Poor thing, he's totally whipped by that barbarian of his wife. She has him on lockdown, and he is yearning to be with me.

He can't even stop singing Green Eyes to me ...YA UH HUH. I AM THE ONE THAT HE WANTED TO FIND.

He is so Lost! without me in his world, reason being why his new album, Mylo Xyloto...well uh kinda just sucks.

But we will find eachother one day in Paradise.

Take that as a Warning Sign, Gwyneth! YOU SUCK!

Cheese ball Boy - Bands

I totally know you forgot about your calculus. YOU PLUS ME EQUALS US!

Oh. and Liquid Dreams by O-Town

Great News!

Hot damn! Before we all go into Prozac mode while watching the worst yearly hour on national television, the Victorias Secret fashion show, we can smile about some comforting news at least. Chanel Iman gained 15 pounds! Yes my friends, she thickened herself "in preparation" to strut her stuff down that despicable runway. She intentionally gained weight, and the rest of us suckers are still suckers.The poor thing was "struggling to keep the weight on". How so terribly sad. I mean she said 'I drink a lot of protein shakes and do a lot of weight lifting". Well Chanel Iman, were all crying for your anguish. BOO HOO.

I Don't Like Manicures

Whoever made up that rule that in order to be considered classy your nails should always be done, well that person should go a fly a kite. The process of getting a manicure does not relax me in the slightest, in fact it is like a chore. However, when the time comes to get my cuticles tamed, I'll make an acception and go get one. I try to keep my distance from those clean prissy expensive places, to avoid women with 12 bamboo trees up their asses, who tell the Asian manicurists how stressed out they are about the construction in their pool. Nah, not my cup of tea, so I go nail shacks that smell like kung pao chicken instead, where toilet paper in their bathrooms is never readily available. While you're there, you're stuck having that fake conversation with some chick you don’t want to talk to. As if that's not horrid enough, you then get lectured by your mean manicurist as to why your cuticles are gross and she insists on giving you a body wax. During the lotion stage, you feel nauseous because she's massaging you in a very sensual way, after she just touched money. Lord save you if your manicurist is a male, then its just really awkward. The worst is yet to come. On your way to drying station, you walk with your hands in a walrus position while your manicurist carries your shit as if she's your own personal peasant. You're drying your nails and awkwardly staring at your fellow nail dryers and to avoid more awkwardness you do some fake fidgeting in your phone, but you're still careful not to smudge. It's time to leave, and of course, you smudge your nails. You ask your manicurist to fix it, and she gives you a look of death. For an hour after, you cannot use your hands like a normal person, and you end up smudging them, again. The only good part is grabbing a Jolly Rancher on your way out.

Picture It...Sicily 1933

How can you not love the Golden Girls? Who would've thunk four old women in shoulder pads with teased bobs could make you laugh harder than Adam Sandler or that extremely overrated show, Modern Family. Yes, we all secretly want to be these women when we become old ladies with bunions, Costco sized packs of Depends and humidifiers. Must say though, Sophia Petrillo was the brains behind the show. God bless her soul.

If she wasn't out on the lanaii, she was snapping sarcastic remarks to Dorothy as to why she is unattractive and single. If she wasn't telling stories about Sicily, she was almost on her way to Shady Pines. Or if she wasn't calling Blanche a prostitute, she was challenging Rose's brain cells. And if you by no means have a clue as to what i'm talking about, well then things need to change. For one second, stop tweeting with that new number sign thing "#bestdrunkever". WTF IS THAT ANYWAYS?. Then, get yourself on Lifetime, press the right arrow until you see Golden Girls, then press that little red button followed by the yellow triangle. BAM, now when you're bored at home you can watch Sophia Petrillo on your DVR, instead of having ##### spasms. Thank you for a being a friend...

Prerequisites of being a...Part Deux

Destination Italia

 A country that doesn't rush you out of restaurants as if you're a worthless piece of shit, the men look good, and people don't knock you down on the streets because they are hustling like jungle people to get to their cubicles. Why we should all ditch this place, America, and relocate ourselves to Italy. This is why. 

They have places that look like this.



It can make couple of 49 years not want to assassinate each other.



The Art is so dramatic.



Old Italian women are way more adorable. 



      Ahhhh. 



The reason, the only reason, the only place, the best place in the world with the most thirst quenching wine in all the land.  



Therefore you keep a bottle opener on you, like white on rice, at all times.



Prosecco comes with your dinner in the most graceful manner.



The fruit is not the size of your face, and doesn't take roughly a month to ripen.



Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. 



Inhaled by humans, not hyenas in the wilderness.





The most pornographic food that meets the eye. 

The Arno River, the best river.

                                

Hieroglyphics

What you're wearing really means. 

The mom jeans outfit. You think you're too smart too care about your appearance. You went to college for like 12 years and wrote a thesis, and you automatically think that makes you exempt from owning makeup, wearing feminine clothes, or wearing contacts. You shop for clothes twice a year at Costco or Sears, and if your feeling a bit rebellious you may make a pit stop at Burlington Coat Factory. You might as well add white geriatric sneakers, with a nylon purse, and a fossil watch to this outfit, just saying. 

Ugg slippers. If you wear these anywhere but the floors of your house, you are in high school or even college, hate to say it. You wear them with fleece sweatpants, a thermal shirt, the Longchamp bag, and of course your hair is up in a side ponytail and you talk like Whitney Port. You're also sporting a Swatch watch or some new trendy bangle on your wrist. Chances are, you're on your way to frozen yogurt, a flip cup tournament, or a Hard-tail convention.

Ahhh the Hermes belt. For both men and women. You're just trying to show your friends that you spent that much money on a belt. There's not really much to them. Same thing as buying a Dolce & Gabbana dress that looks like a slip, but its on sale for $900, so you feel required to buy it because its Dolce & Gabbana...and on sale. 

Oh and when a man hems his own pants with his 2nd grade scissors. Geez, I swear I have unfortunately seen this in real life. Mind you, the guy was cute too, go figure. Not even the nicest pair of Tods loafers could make that situation any better. Get off your cheap ass, and shell out those 10 bucks and get your pants hemmed by a professional. 
One more: A woman going out to a party only wearing lipstick, because some magazine said to do it. What you think other women think of you: you have natural beauty and everyone will think you are "different". NAH, CUT THE SHIT, you're just a lazy ass who doesn't want to wear makeup.  

My Heart Will Go On

I have a weakness for Jack Dawson. He goes for that chick that's out of his league, he's not afraid of the scary important guy with a gun, I love when he says never let go, and most importantly he knows how to sketch people in the nude. 

Remember that scene when Rose is posing on the couch butt naked wearing nothing but that massive necklace and Jack is drawing her in the most graceful manner? Ah yea. Then the camera takes a moment to pause on Leo's eyes giving Rose a sensual stare of passion.

I could just watch that scene

over 

                                                                             and over

                                                                         and over again. 

"Traitor"

I love models. I really do, I promise i'm not being sarcastic this time.
Clothes look better on them, they share the same shoe size with me, and the'yre just so nice to stare at. Ok fine, so grapes to them are are what gummy bears are to the average female, big whoop. They didn't wake up one morning and say what career path should I take to piss off the "big boned" people? No, instead they decided to use they're elongated physique, flawless skin, and flat chests to make a buck. 

The American folk started listening to commercials and proceeded to actually grab a Snickers bar when they were hungry. Then obesity happened, and 100 calorie packs came out.  Everyone became overly sensitive about the models and their poor eating habits, or no eating habits, and the "real women" obsession became an obsession. Now, you flip through a magazine to see  "Dove: Real Beauty" ads showing real women, so women across America, who eat Chipotle and consider a workout to be a walk in the food court of the mall, can stop crying and blaming ads for their self esteem problems. Leave the magazines alone, if we wanted to look at real women, we could easily just take a walk around the supermarket or go to a library. Moving on, all hell broke loose when plus size model "Crystal Renn" dropped down from size 10-12 to I dunno, an 8 or 6. Geez, the whole world went mad over this tragic event. Relax people, she was a size 12 model who walked down Chanel runways. There's something a bit weird with that, sorry, don't hate me. Crystal Renn is thinner now and you know what, she looks hotter. There.
So people, if you are disappointed that Crystal Renn downsized herself,  get your self on a stair master and weep about something else, for the love of god. 

Live the Dream

Ya, how hot can you be?

Ya OK, we are certainly going to trust Khloe Kardashian when it comes to being hot.

Ah

Who said all lists have to have 5 or 10 things? Here are 9 things that annoy me:
1. People who look like they just came out of a Dress Barn advertisement when going on an interview. You don’t have to wear a cheap looking black blazer with black work pants. Relax yourselves people.
2. People that say “ar” at the end of some words. Example: Slendar instead of Splenda. 
3. Douchey New Yorkers who take roughly 7 minutes to add milk and sugar to their coffee at the milk & sugar and nutmeg powder counter at Starbucks. You're left standing behind them like an asshole twiddling your thumbs until they’ve decided to get moving. 
4. Resume paper. 
5. People holding red plastic cups in Facebook pictures. "YAAA WERE GONNA GET MAD WRECKED TONIGHT BROOO YAAAAA". UGH SHUT UP.
6. Non sense small talkers who BS with you through text out of nowhere, right before they slap you in the face with something they want from you. 
7. When it's that time again to comport yourself in a classy manner, and you have to eat with the  fork in your left hand and the knife in your right. Not my forte. My lap napkin always end ups up on the floor too. Oh well. 
8. The "omg we should do lunch one day" convo you have with that person you kind of like. Truth is, you two will never eat together in your lives. 
9. Dumb mobile uploads, so everyone can see that you're out and what crowd you're out with, and that you're all together at a restaurant. Now we can all sleep at nights. 

Pillfume?

Bambadadammmmm the future is here and being all futuristic.
First we are introduced to colored contacts, then lash growing serum, now we have some new shit to hit the market: "swallowable parfum"?

That's just disturbing. 

If you're concerned as to why you smell like an old basement, well then stop wearing 100% polyster clothing. But if you can't do without your array of shirts from Forever 21, not to worry there's a pill for that.  If you wouldn't mind adding another one to your daily cocktail of pills, well then ABRACADABRA, at last your time has come to be rescued from your public mortification. Since pressing down on a perfume bottle spritzer or applying deodorant takes too much effort, this "new cycle of evolution" give us the leisure of swallowing a pill of perfume. Darwin who?

You must severely smell like a barnyard if you're down to swallow a pill that "emanates" your the scents from "within".  

Click it: http://vimeo.com/lucymcrae/swallowableparfum if you're bored.

Funion

Sure, they're fun to laugh at.
You know, when someones big toe start morphing into, you know, a bunion...and slowly but surely it starts to become more lumpy and awkward. Bunion. Ya, well it's no ones fault, women have to wear those heels that are physically more of a weapon to a man, than pepper spray can be. Beauty is pain my friend, women take Advil in preparation to wearing heels so they dont suffer as much violent pain while still being able to look socially acceptable. 
End result, women are stuck with unpleasant and unusual looking feet. 
I mean yea, you can get that sketchy surgery, wear those splints, oh there's probably even a pill for it, who knows these days. But mother nature is a super bitch. If you've got a bunion(s), welcome it. Befriend it. Make peace with it, it's here to stay and piss you off. 
And don't hate your life that much. If it makes you feel any better, Posh Spice and Paris Hilton both have 'em.
But, once you become like 84, it starts protruding out of your foot like a horizontal 6th toe.
No one wants to look at that.
Save yourselves now...wear flats more often.
You don't want to end up sporting specialized bunion shoes, do you now? >>>

Salivation

This blog is kind of 

like my emotional outlet 

since I don't own these shoes, nor will I ever

and considering I can't even attempt to walk in most of these shoes

and considering the whole after you graduate college, you get a job thing has shot to hell

I online window shop

        to alleviate my anxiety

rawrrrrr

Oh well, life goes on ?