Hieroglyphics

What you're wearing really means. 

The mom jeans outfit. You think you're too smart too care about your appearance. You went to college for like 12 years and wrote a thesis, and you automatically think that makes you exempt from owning makeup, wearing feminine clothes, or wearing contacts. You shop for clothes twice a year at Costco or Sears, and if your feeling a bit rebellious you may make a pit stop at Burlington Coat Factory. You might as well add white geriatric sneakers, with a nylon purse, and a fossil watch to this outfit, just saying. 

Ugg slippers. If you wear these anywhere but the floors of your house, you are in high school or even college, hate to say it. You wear them with fleece sweatpants, a thermal shirt, the Longchamp bag, and of course your hair is up in a side ponytail and you talk like Whitney Port. You're also sporting a Swatch watch or some new trendy bangle on your wrist. Chances are, you're on your way to frozen yogurt, a flip cup tournament, or a Hard-tail convention.

Ahhh the Hermes belt. For both men and women. You're just trying to show your friends that you spent that much money on a belt. There's not really much to them. Same thing as buying a Dolce & Gabbana dress that looks like a slip, but its on sale for $900, so you feel required to buy it because its Dolce & Gabbana...and on sale. 

Oh and when a man hems his own pants with his 2nd grade scissors. Geez, I swear I have unfortunately seen this in real life. Mind you, the guy was cute too, go figure. Not even the nicest pair of Tods loafers could make that situation any better. Get off your cheap ass, and shell out those 10 bucks and get your pants hemmed by a professional. 
One more: A woman going out to a party only wearing lipstick, because some magazine said to do it. What you think other women think of you: you have natural beauty and everyone will think you are "different". NAH, CUT THE SHIT, you're just a lazy ass who doesn't want to wear makeup.  

My Heart Will Go On

I have a weakness for Jack Dawson. He goes for that chick that's out of his league, he's not afraid of the scary important guy with a gun, I love when he says never let go, and most importantly he knows how to sketch people in the nude. 

Remember that scene when Rose is posing on the couch butt naked wearing nothing but that massive necklace and Jack is drawing her in the most graceful manner? Ah yea. Then the camera takes a moment to pause on Leo's eyes giving Rose a sensual stare of passion.

I could just watch that scene

over 

                                                                             and over

                                                                         and over again. 

"Traitor"

I love models. I really do, I promise i'm not being sarcastic this time.
Clothes look better on them, they share the same shoe size with me, and the'yre just so nice to stare at. Ok fine, so grapes to them are are what gummy bears are to the average female, big whoop. They didn't wake up one morning and say what career path should I take to piss off the "big boned" people? No, instead they decided to use they're elongated physique, flawless skin, and flat chests to make a buck. 

The American folk started listening to commercials and proceeded to actually grab a Snickers bar when they were hungry. Then obesity happened, and 100 calorie packs came out.  Everyone became overly sensitive about the models and their poor eating habits, or no eating habits, and the "real women" obsession became an obsession. Now, you flip through a magazine to see  "Dove: Real Beauty" ads showing real women, so women across America, who eat Chipotle and consider a workout to be a walk in the food court of the mall, can stop crying and blaming ads for their self esteem problems. Leave the magazines alone, if we wanted to look at real women, we could easily just take a walk around the supermarket or go to a library. Moving on, all hell broke loose when plus size model "Crystal Renn" dropped down from size 10-12 to I dunno, an 8 or 6. Geez, the whole world went mad over this tragic event. Relax people, she was a size 12 model who walked down Chanel runways. There's something a bit weird with that, sorry, don't hate me. Crystal Renn is thinner now and you know what, she looks hotter. There.
So people, if you are disappointed that Crystal Renn downsized herself,  get your self on a stair master and weep about something else, for the love of god. 

Live the Dream

Ya, how hot can you be?

Ya OK, we are certainly going to trust Khloe Kardashian when it comes to being hot.

Ah

Who said all lists have to have 5 or 10 things? Here are 9 things that annoy me:
1. People who look like they just came out of a Dress Barn advertisement when going on an interview. You don’t have to wear a cheap looking black blazer with black work pants. Relax yourselves people.
2. People that say “ar” at the end of some words. Example: Slendar instead of Splenda. 
3. Douchey New Yorkers who take roughly 7 minutes to add milk and sugar to their coffee at the milk & sugar and nutmeg powder counter at Starbucks. You're left standing behind them like an asshole twiddling your thumbs until they’ve decided to get moving. 
4. Resume paper. 
5. People holding red plastic cups in Facebook pictures. "YAAA WERE GONNA GET MAD WRECKED TONIGHT BROOO YAAAAA". UGH SHUT UP.
6. Non sense small talkers who BS with you through text out of nowhere, right before they slap you in the face with something they want from you. 
7. When it's that time again to comport yourself in a classy manner, and you have to eat with the  fork in your left hand and the knife in your right. Not my forte. My lap napkin always end ups up on the floor too. Oh well. 
8. The "omg we should do lunch one day" convo you have with that person you kind of like. Truth is, you two will never eat together in your lives. 
9. Dumb mobile uploads, so everyone can see that you're out and what crowd you're out with, and that you're all together at a restaurant. Now we can all sleep at nights. 

Pillfume?

Bambadadammmmm the future is here and being all futuristic.
First we are introduced to colored contacts, then lash growing serum, now we have some new shit to hit the market: "swallowable parfum"?

That's just disturbing. 

If you're concerned as to why you smell like an old basement, well then stop wearing 100% polyster clothing. But if you can't do without your array of shirts from Forever 21, not to worry there's a pill for that.  If you wouldn't mind adding another one to your daily cocktail of pills, well then ABRACADABRA, at last your time has come to be rescued from your public mortification. Since pressing down on a perfume bottle spritzer or applying deodorant takes too much effort, this "new cycle of evolution" give us the leisure of swallowing a pill of perfume. Darwin who?

You must severely smell like a barnyard if you're down to swallow a pill that "emanates" your the scents from "within".  

Click it: http://vimeo.com/lucymcrae/swallowableparfum if you're bored.

Funion

Sure, they're fun to laugh at.
You know, when someones big toe start morphing into, you know, a bunion...and slowly but surely it starts to become more lumpy and awkward. Bunion. Ya, well it's no ones fault, women have to wear those heels that are physically more of a weapon to a man, than pepper spray can be. Beauty is pain my friend, women take Advil in preparation to wearing heels so they dont suffer as much violent pain while still being able to look socially acceptable. 
End result, women are stuck with unpleasant and unusual looking feet. 
I mean yea, you can get that sketchy surgery, wear those splints, oh there's probably even a pill for it, who knows these days. But mother nature is a super bitch. If you've got a bunion(s), welcome it. Befriend it. Make peace with it, it's here to stay and piss you off. 
And don't hate your life that much. If it makes you feel any better, Posh Spice and Paris Hilton both have 'em.
But, once you become like 84, it starts protruding out of your foot like a horizontal 6th toe.
No one wants to look at that.
Save yourselves now...wear flats more often.
You don't want to end up sporting specialized bunion shoes, do you now? >>>

Salivation

This blog is kind of 

like my emotional outlet 

since I don't own these shoes, nor will I ever

and considering I can't even attempt to walk in most of these shoes

and considering the whole after you graduate college, you get a job thing has shot to hell

I online window shop

        to alleviate my anxiety

rawrrrrr

Oh well, life goes on ?

Costs An Arm & a Leg...And Your Life

A little head scratch here.. a little what the fu** there.

Do it with me now: stare...

hmmm...

Nah, I've got nothing.

I just keep picturing oneself wearing these and taking a hard tumble.

Whats wrong with you?

$895 for this unholy abomination of footwear?

Uh, thats a pretty expensive way to die if you ask me. 

Either Giuseppe Zanotti is trying to make a weird ass attempt to save money by not using a heel. Or, he is a severely dazed and confused, troubled Italiano on mad stuff.

Dude, you design shoes, not self destructive objects. Do your job,

and stop trying to make a statement you discombobulated wacko.

The Biggest Loser

Aside from leaving school the other day with great knowledge on how to buy and sell stocks...I left there knowing a teensy little fact that had never crossed my mind before. Did you know that the creator/mastermind of the BARBIE doll was a male? Well, for CRYING OUT LOUD, it ALL  makes great sense to me now. Thank you so much, Jack Ryan, you douche. Obviously, a man would design a doll with blonde hair, blue eyes, an emaciated body, and nice feet for little girls occupy themselves with. Clearly, Jack Ryan was a grade A perv, you dirty dirty old man. Mothers and fathers, in case you didn't know, never trust a man with two first names, and do your kids a favor and have them play with a fluffier doll like, Cabbage Patch Kids or bears instead.

MMMBop

During my daily routine of hearing Enrique whisper in my ears 

"Te quiero mi amo

Quidate conmigo... 

Esta noche...bailamos"

 I was reminded of yesteryear and my girlhood, and of being a young 'un of the 90's.

LinkedIn, Siri, the word Tweet...they just annoy me. As people are getting fatter, things are becoming thinner, more stalkerish, and you see an "i" slapped in the begging and/or end of every word. PEOPLE, stop doing those peculiar finger motions on your iPad for a moment and come join me during my nostalgic escapade. I miss the 90's, I crave the 90's and I know you do too. I miss the days when you actually needed car keys to turn on your car and I miss when Gushers and Dunkaroos were the shit, and when we would draw on eachother with Milky Pens. Instead of looking like chimpanzees gone mad while swinging Wii remote controls, we used to amuse ourselves with Sega, Tamagotchis, Pogs, Furbies and our worshipped Beanie Babies. I miss when Disney movies were actaully good and when Clarissa explained it all, and how Girl Power ruled the world. I could go on for much longer...and that is why i'm going to proceed to do so. Dammit, I miss watching the top 10 music videos on TRL, fighting to our death to accumulate the biggest stockpile of Lip Smackers and playing with those trippy Korean jacks known as "Kangi", or however you spell it. You know what else I miss? I miss walking into a CD store all giddy to buy a "single". Don't you wish you could go back for one day to wear that big fleece GAP hoodie while gettin' jiggy with it to Natalie Imbruglia? I know I most certainly would. But who could forget those painful female fashion fads that make us laugh at ourselves today and question our mothers.



If you were a girl and didnt own this,

real or fake,

well then you were a no - one.





Ew. Mom.

Baby-G.The mother of all watches,

now this shat on any Rolex.



 

<3

Wearing bra straps on your

head was normal.

The choker, we all had
and loved it, if you say you didn't
you're a liar.

AS IF!

Not so GQ, but still dope none the less

Mens shoes on acid

                                                                              

Shiver me timbers, now aren't these fetching. 

  

  

She loves you ya ya ya

Indeed she does!

There goes dem wedding bells again. For Sir Paul's wedding numero tres, as luck would have it, daddy Beatle and step mom Nancy both had the pleasure of having their wedding ensembles designed by our favorite animal rights activist/Beatle offspring fashion designer, Stella McCartney. Now thats love, alright!

A hearty mazal to Sir Paul and Nancy! 

     

 Oh! Darling. Nancy's knight in shining armor, looking fab at 69 old years.

Hot damn! Stella even designed, her baby half sis, Beatrice's getup.

Wax, Sweat, and Tears

Whoever said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", was either doped up or was not from a Middle Eastern bloodline.
What life is like for hairy chicks:

• Your eyebrows were conjoined up until you were 14.

• After your eyebrows have been de-conjoined, you treat them like two golden babies.
• You have 67 pairs of opaque stockings.
• Electrolysis, waxing, threading, bleaching, pulling, tweezing, mowing, silk epil, shaving, laser, weed-whacking, braiding, corn rows, you've done it all. 
• You spend half your life, or more, having hot needles inserted into your hair follicles.
• Your hair removal staff has become part of your genealogy. 
• Summer is your arch nemesis. 
• You sometimes wear pants to fancy parties because your legs look like Chewbaccas legs. 
• With the amount of money you have dropped on hair extraction...you could have toured Europe multiple times - Well at least you dont have to buy that J. Mendel sable fur coat...
• You feel a connection with the Geico caveman, Chia pets, and your carpet. 
• People make fun of you.
• You can shock people with what your genes are capable of producing. 
• At times, you even question your gender.

     Must suck to be hairy! 

Failure Child Indeed

My mother had asked me to bake a simple pound cake one day. Needless to say, she didn't think I was handy enough to bake anything more oo la la than a pound cake. Fine. I wanted to make my ma proud, so I whipped out the Betty Crocker in me and got all up in DAT. 

I got some recipe from my baker friend...I followed it...I studied it like it was some formula... and for the love of god I committed half my day to this concoction of eggs, oil, and sugar. 

All fired up and excited, I proceeded to use those sky-high toothpicks to see if cake goo would stick on it or not and did some other cool baker tricks. I mean, I didn't even forget to spray that yellow can of fumes we call PAM on the cake mold. I thought everything would turn out all hunky dory...

Lo and behold...

THE AFTERMATH OF MY FLAIR FOR BAKING:

:

Clearly, I should've stuck to my other talents like rocket science, instead.

Rise and Not Shine

Your average pre-morning before heading for the blood-curling 6:56 AM train. 

You're sleeping in a fetal position in your yummy warm sheets,your face is getting along just great with your pillow, and you're having that dream again that you're being chased down by a polar bear. Well my friends, unfortunately bad things do happen and that is when your peace of mind gets raped by your three alarm clocks that start charging at you in unison. You think you're still dreaming, no no, you have to get up to turn off the blitzkrieg that is taking place on your nightstand. You're conscious now, it's  6 AM, the sky is morbidly black, and you kind of wish that polar bear was still hunting you down. It's bad, it's just really awful.You half-assed get dressed while hating your life.

If your spouse or parent loves you enough to drive you the station, well then you suck; but if you're not as fortunate, you have to do the whole drive, park, walk to the station procedure.

It's half past 6, and you're behind the wheel (you see, no one loves you that much). You almost kill a few whacked out pedestrians who are wearing full fledge workout gear to go for a stroll(apparently they think a stroll is aerobically effective, "I doubt they've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum!"). Six minutes into your drive your brain registers that you just listened to the entire really annoying Katy Perry friday night song. OH wait no, there goes another weirdo bike rider who you almost ran over again. You hustle over to the station and you have the pleasure of being greeted by perky morning people politicians who shove flyers in your face, REALLY NOW? Then you make it safe and sound on train to hear smart Wall St. people say words like "detriment" , and you get to see your fellow train mates all sporting that face of misery. You all give eachother that "I know, this really sucks" look, and...

Anything before 7 am should just be outlawed.

THE END!

This ain't Doras backpack

Ex Michelle Tanner's, now whacked out designers of the "The Row" and experts in art of backpack making, recently added a reptile version of a bank to their line. 

ALLIGATOR                    SHMALLIGATOR .
                                                               The asking price for this   backpacknapsack is a whopping $39,000. Geez Lou-ise-This bad boy costs more than the Birkin?! Mary Kate & Ashley good way to bitch slap Hermès in the face with your snazzy version of book bag, HA. I'll just stick to my JanSport, and buy me a new car instead. 

Now Mary Kate & Ashley, go on and ROW your boat back to your FULL HOUSE.

The Miu to my Miu

Now those are straight up just wicked cool.

Prerequisites of being a dashing MAN (in my book at least)

Effortlessly go from a negative 2 to an 8.

OWN IT:

1. Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. I don’t know what these sunglasses do, but they have powers. Smoke a cigarette while wearing the glasses too. CHA-CHING. 
2. Tight pants. I do not need to explain further.
3.  A decent gym outfit, none of those free giveaway t-shirts count.
4. A suit jacket that you don’t look like you're drowning in.
5. Loafers loafers loafers. And please, when I say loafers, I mean nice loafers. Gucci preferably. It's like magic on your feet. You stress out your feet enough, so why not have your feet enjoy the feel of Gucci’s Italian buttery leather. And please, no obnoxious white socks with loafers. But i’m sure you knew that already. 

Things to dispose of. If you already own them, then please torch them, I beg of you: 

1. UGLY SHOES: I cannot even begin to stress the importance of this. It's all about the shoes.
2. Semi-nice shoes. This shows that you care about your shoes and that you are trying, but your really don’t know what nice shoes are. 
3. Washed out black and navy cotton sweaters. Nasty. I'd rather see you in something out of Ferris Beuller’s closet. 
4. T-shirts that have some fake university name slapped across the front. Ditch that.
5. An old pleather black belt thats shedding flakes of pleather near the buckle. IT'S REPULSIVE.
Oh, one more thing. Don’t wear light wash jeans with fugly black leather dress shoes. None of that. And spare us, no more than 2-3 sprays of your gross cologne. 

     

oct-toe-burrr

A few reasons to care about the month of October

-The weather becomes one with man. In September the weather goes from hot to less hot, then back to hot then drops down to freezing which leads you to become totally and utterly clueless. You leave your humble abode one day wearing a sweater, you then find yourself borderline evaporating which leads you to want to jump into a Capri Sun commercial.  

Or you leave the house the day after, you are dressed half naked and then you’re like OH GOLLY GEE..what? how? why? ugh shouldve brought my handy dandy a.d.d  coat and portable furnace with me.
October comes along and now we have the pleasure of walking out of our doors with a less indecisive weather man. 

-Pumpkin Pie seasonal flavor creeps up into your consumer behavior - you see it everywhere from your frozen yogurt flavor to your toothpaste flavor. 

-We can start counting down to Thanksgiving.

-Costco starts dancing in its pants about making mad $$$ on candy. Every front desk you pass by, from your physical therapists front desk to your waxing lady's front desk, you encounter those human sized baskets of candy that stare you in the eyes and scream "EAT MEEE!"

-DING DING DING It's leather jacket time. I love the smell of leather.

-Now we can understand the usage of scarves...not like in the summer where people wear them and choose to suffocate themselves...but hey...whatever floats their boat. Major question mark.

-My main man Chris Colombus discovered or created the  US and A. I wish my college found this to be a worthy reason to close school, but they don't. How terribly sad.

-Mahatma Ghandi has his birthday.

-Beer drinkers and study abroad students gather for OKTOBERFEST IN German land, and we get to wish we were there. 

-The best saturday fatterday activity - APPLE PICKING! 

Happy first day of October!

Band - Your - Head

ATTN: Females, looking for something to embellish the uppermost part of your body?

Thought so! 

Meet Sheba! - Queen of Headbands 

No, im not talking about the "Queen of Sheba" Ethiopian restauraunt on 46th street or the biblical monarch of the ancient kingdom of Sheba...

I'm talking about THIS SHEBA: 

She's 21, kooky, colorful, her parents named her after cat food, she has green or blue eyes, and she is just so wonderfully cute. She transports her cuteness into her headbands made from her gifted golden hands. Her headbands are just so great, you wanna know why they are just so great? They can start super cool conversation with that sexy 20 something year old waiting for his coffee at Starbucks, people will avoid noticing your hair if its lookin nasty one day (or every day), and they are one a kind head decor you will treasure forever and ever and eva!

Now people just go and get your head banded and hit up Shebaloo:

http://shebascollection.weebly.com/headbands.html

Queenheadbands@gmail.com

 "In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first"

Jimi Hendrix

I dont know if this quote has anything to do with headbands, depends how creative you are, anyways - I liked it.

Ciao!