THIS IS MY LIFE.

Shoe shopping 

Black friday

Amazing sales that i'm not worthy of enjoying.

Fit or Fat

It's that time of year again, when we use the holidays as an excuse to gorge ourselves on lardy food. Then we cry when we look considerably corpulent and horrid in our new tagged pictures.  So, when that time of day comes when your in that four hour zone when you want to lose weight and you're just bored from snacking on celery sticks and frozen grapes...you can try some of my favorite healthy snacks that will not make you look like a piece of fatty chunky lard. Mind you, that doesn't allow you to have four of each.

My personal favorite. Plop it in the micro and enjoy this 100 calorie muffin top.

Take these english muffins...spray some I Can't Believe it's Not Butter then sprinkle some cinnamon and Splenda and toast it. Magic is real my friends...YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A CINNAMON BUN. $$$. 

TOFU NOODLES. They're pretty nasty, not gonna lie...but the whole bag is 40 calories and it looks like pasta.  So fool yourself, why not.

Put down that pumpkin spice latte, that you forgot to say "nonfat" when ordering and try this flavorful pack of chemical infested hot chocolate mix instead. 

FOOLED YOU! Sorry, its just so mouthwateringly good. 

     

                        Consider this ice cream instead. Your hate handles may turn in to less hated handles.

Snacks that I think are stupid:

1. Almonds, ya I said it. Four of them turns into 15 and then 15 turns in 47 and you think you've only had, say about 12 almonds. Little suckers. 

2. 100 calorie packs. Six Oreo flavored crackers? Its just a tease.

3. Luna bars. Folic acid shmolic acid. This shits a scam.

Scum of the Earth

Gwyneth Paltrow.
She disgusts me.
Why? Because she's married to my love, my knight in shining armor, my beloved Chris Martin. All political drama aside, when I touched my Chris's sweaty hand in 2007 on a beautiful spring morning...I just knew it. It was love at first touch. I knew we were soul mates, destined lovers...that day I found out he was my other half, we completed each other, and he knew it too.  Poor thing, he's totally whipped by that barbarian of his wife. She has him on lockdown, and he is yearning to be with me.

He can't even stop singing Green Eyes to me ...YA UH HUH. I AM THE ONE THAT HE WANTED TO FIND.

He is so Lost! without me in his world, reason being why his new album, Mylo Xyloto...well uh kinda just sucks.

But we will find eachother one day in Paradise.

Take that as a Warning Sign, Gwyneth! YOU SUCK!

Cheese ball Boy - Bands

I totally know you forgot about your calculus. YOU PLUS ME EQUALS US!

Oh. and Liquid Dreams by O-Town

Great News!

Hot damn! Before we all go into Prozac mode while watching the worst yearly hour on national television, the Victorias Secret fashion show, we can smile about some comforting news at least. Chanel Iman gained 15 pounds! Yes my friends, she thickened herself "in preparation" to strut her stuff down that despicable runway. She intentionally gained weight, and the rest of us suckers are still suckers.The poor thing was "struggling to keep the weight on". How so terribly sad. I mean she said 'I drink a lot of protein shakes and do a lot of weight lifting". Well Chanel Iman, were all crying for your anguish. BOO HOO.

I Don't Like Manicures

Whoever made up that rule that in order to be considered classy your nails should always be done, well that person should go a fly a kite. The process of getting a manicure does not relax me in the slightest, in fact it is like a chore. However, when the time comes to get my cuticles tamed, I'll make an acception and go get one. I try to keep my distance from those clean prissy expensive places, to avoid women with 12 bamboo trees up their asses, who tell the Asian manicurists how stressed out they are about the construction in their pool. Nah, not my cup of tea, so I go nail shacks that smell like kung pao chicken instead, where toilet paper in their bathrooms is never readily available. While you're there, you're stuck having that fake conversation with some chick you don’t want to talk to. As if that's not horrid enough, you then get lectured by your mean manicurist as to why your cuticles are gross and she insists on giving you a body wax. During the lotion stage, you feel nauseous because she's massaging you in a very sensual way, after she just touched money. Lord save you if your manicurist is a male, then its just really awkward. The worst is yet to come. On your way to drying station, you walk with your hands in a walrus position while your manicurist carries your shit as if she's your own personal peasant. You're drying your nails and awkwardly staring at your fellow nail dryers and to avoid more awkwardness you do some fake fidgeting in your phone, but you're still careful not to smudge. It's time to leave, and of course, you smudge your nails. You ask your manicurist to fix it, and she gives you a look of death. For an hour after, you cannot use your hands like a normal person, and you end up smudging them, again. The only good part is grabbing a Jolly Rancher on your way out.

Picture It...Sicily 1933

How can you not love the Golden Girls? Who would've thunk four old women in shoulder pads with teased bobs could make you laugh harder than Adam Sandler or that extremely overrated show, Modern Family. Yes, we all secretly want to be these women when we become old ladies with bunions, Costco sized packs of Depends and humidifiers. Must say though, Sophia Petrillo was the brains behind the show. God bless her soul.

If she wasn't out on the lanaii, she was snapping sarcastic remarks to Dorothy as to why she is unattractive and single. If she wasn't telling stories about Sicily, she was almost on her way to Shady Pines. Or if she wasn't calling Blanche a prostitute, she was challenging Rose's brain cells. And if you by no means have a clue as to what i'm talking about, well then things need to change. For one second, stop tweeting with that new number sign thing "#bestdrunkever". WTF IS THAT ANYWAYS?. Then, get yourself on Lifetime, press the right arrow until you see Golden Girls, then press that little red button followed by the yellow triangle. BAM, now when you're bored at home you can watch Sophia Petrillo on your DVR, instead of having ##### spasms. Thank you for a being a friend...

Prerequisites of being a...Part Deux

Destination Italia

 A country that doesn't rush you out of restaurants as if you're a worthless piece of shit, the men look good, and people don't knock you down on the streets because they are hustling like jungle people to get to their cubicles. Why we should all ditch this place, America, and relocate ourselves to Italy. This is why. 

They have places that look like this.



It can make couple of 49 years not want to assassinate each other.



The Art is so dramatic.



Old Italian women are way more adorable. 



      Ahhhh. 



The reason, the only reason, the only place, the best place in the world with the most thirst quenching wine in all the land.  



Therefore you keep a bottle opener on you, like white on rice, at all times.



Prosecco comes with your dinner in the most graceful manner.



The fruit is not the size of your face, and doesn't take roughly a month to ripen.



Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. Nutella, pine nuts, surrounded by dough, topped with more Nutella. 



Inhaled by humans, not hyenas in the wilderness.





The most pornographic food that meets the eye. 

The Arno River, the best river.