If you are skinny dont read this.

After attending 483 weddings, engagement parties, post engagement parties, show off parties, pre post engagement parties, random parties, more wedding parties, and bar/bat mitzvah extravaganzas…so im quite familiar with dresses. I hate them, I hate shopping for them, and I hate its dry cleaning bill.
I heard of this thing called the “girdle” have you? Uh never used it…ya never…promise…but here are the

Top 4 and half reasons NOT to wear a girdle:

1.    If you're rear end is already flat as board, you will be the most unattractive female in the room being that the girdle will make you look like you just have no rear end at all. Not hot.

2.   Going to the bathroom…picture this: You’re wearing a gown and a girdle underneath and you have to pee so bad that your kidneys are about to shatter. You get all excited that you’ve finally made your way out of the meat market scene to go release your bladder of diet coke, patron and wine. You're in a confined stall, theres fabric everywhere, your hair is covering your face, ugh theres no toilet paper lefttttt... It will get messy in there.  Case in point: this is not the night to drink unnecessary fluids.

3.    You know when the girdle gets all annoying and it can’t stay put like an annoying 2 year old child? It keeps riding up and down up and down…and you can visibly see a fatty roll of fabric underneath your dress. You challenge yourself through the crowd to go the bathroom 13 times to pull it up. See...now you could be bustin' your moves on the dance floor letting the rhythm take you over with some potential suitors but no...you end up spending half your night in the bathroom adjusting a spandex gadget. While the lady in there managing the basket of blow pops and deodorant thinks you're insane. 

4.     OMG I forgot! Disregard the above. They now have those super cool girdles that can solve the above issue of back bacon made out of girdle fabric. What it is: two hoops sewed on the top back side of the girdle. You then insert your bra through those hoops and close the bra. Now my friend’s, this is the awkward part. You have to get your whole body through the closed bra and then straight into the girdle. It’s like and art. A stressful art. Picture yourself trying fit into a smart car when you’re Ruben Studdard. LOL. You may start sweating, pull a muscle, sprain your toe or worse- get a few kinks in your freshly blown out Kim Kardashian wanna be hair do . OH NO

BAM

PART DEUX OF THE MACHINELIKE GIRLDE: IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN …YOU GOTTA PEE.

There is actually a pee hole in the girdle, since clearly you can’t pull it down since its latched on to your bra. If you know what’s good for you, just risk getting a bladder infection and hold it in.

Who am I kidding? Forget this list and just and wear one...if you really know whats good for you

Happy Monday!